A widower aged 47 wants to marry me. I am confused – Lady speaks.

I am a 34 year old lady and I work at one of the well known banks here in Nigeria. I met this man who loves me a lot and has made known his intentions to marry me. I love him in return because he has been very nice to me since we met. But the problem is that he has been married before but lost his wife two years ago. Now he wants to remarry. My problem is not only that he has been married before, the major problem that has been bothering me is that he already has four children, three boys and one girl. I have been opportune less to meet two of these kids on one occasion and they appear very lovely but I am honestly not comfortable with the fact that he already has kids. 

I don’t know how I am going to start raising those kids. I have never been a mother before and getting married and assuming the roles of a mother immediately worries me. His children are not that young and I don’t know how they will react to another woman coming into their home. The first child is 14 and the second one is 11. The last two are 9 and 7. You know kids can be spiteful and cold sometimes especially if they haven’t known you for a while. I don’t know if they will like me and it bothers me. I don’t want to be on my toes every time. I don’t want to always work towards pleasing a man and his children. I know this man loves me currently but I am afraid about what will happen after we marry. Will that love still be there? Will he have to choose between me and his kids. 

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I have heard stories of people who got married to widowers and they had to deal with the excess love they man had for his kids and his late wife. I don’t want to be in that position where I will struggle to please a man so he can love me. Also I would like to have my own kids. Children that will be mine. With the number of kids this man already has, I don’t know how open he may be to me having my own children. I know we already spoke about it and he said he doesn’t have any problems with me having my own kids but I know how these things work, they may change if we finally tie the knot. I don’t want him to start bringing up the fact that things are not going very well and other stories. What if he agrees to me having just a child or two? I don’t know what to do about that? I would love to have as much as four kids. 

Apart from this, I don’t want this marriage to interfere with my career. I love my job a lot and would want to attain greater heights. My job is a bit demanding and considering the fact that he already has kids, he would compel me to become a nanny and I honestly don’t want that. My family is also another problem. I know they will not agree to me marrying a widower with this number of kids. I don’t know how to face them or even try to start convincing them. The truth is that age is no longer on my side and that is why I am seriously confused. I haven’t been getting a lot of suitors lately and even the few that still come, they are not up to my standards. They don’t have a good paying job or a good background and it just doesn’t appeal to me. 

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This man stands out in a lot of ways and that is why I am very attracted to him. He is smart, speaks and earns well, he also takes care of me and loves his kids. These characteristics make me love him but looking at his baggage worries me. I don’t know how I will be able to cope. Besides, my parents may find it difficult to give their blessings. I used to have a lot of nice suitors in the past and they will be sad and disappointed that I chose a widower. I know my parents well and I honestly don’t know how to face them. All my life I have tried to please them but I don’t know what will happen now. I am seriously very confused. I’m not getting any younger so I don’t have a lot of options. I need this community to help me. Please advise me on what to do. I am very confused as I write to you.

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