Does sex just die in a marriage?!

Bayo Ajibola

This is about our sex life. We have been married 27 years now. We have 3 kids, 1 is out of the house and the other 2 are in college. Life can be full, we both work full-time and I have a disabled mother who we help with along with my siblings. I go over to her house, she does not live with us.
The trouble started with us going to counselling in 2012. He had been distant and not much intimacy at all. After we started counselling I discovered that he had been looking at porn on his computer.

This was brought out and hashed out in counselling. It wasn’t the end of the world, BUT when it replaces the spouse it does incredible damage. The counsellor even then told us to go on little getaways, etc and make time for each other, even suggested scheduling sex. I had become the only one that initiated sex and really wanted him to pursue me like he did the porn.

We went away together on holiday that year and that was the last time we had sex. We went to a work conference in 2017 and he started trying to initiate something while I was asleep at 3 a.m. and I stopped it. I wanted an explanation on why it had been so long. He never gave me this and I even suggested counselling to help bridge that gap of communication. After that it has only been a peck on the lips since then.

He is 56, I am 50. There is zero intimacy, not even a touch on the back or anything. All conversations are about his work. We do go out to movies and to dinner, but it is basically as friends. I have held out until now, halfway thinking I would be satisfied with just an affair or someone to talk to. We have friends that are couples that would be shocked. I have held off separating or divorcing due to my kids and family, we are just friends though and I just don’t know if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life!

He most of the times sleeps on the couch claiming my snoring keeps him awake. If he has a girlfriend I would be shocked, I know where all the money is and we have tracking apps on our phones and can track each other. I have access to his computer at times and have looked but his phone is through his work so I can’t see the phone bills. We both make a decent salary, although his is much higher than mine. That is also one of the reasons I have held off, I know that sounds bad, but I am not the withdrawn one.

What am I missing here? Do men just stop having sex at 48?! He does have high blood pressure but it is controlled and the medicine has been changed and that didn’t help. I did get him to get his testosterone checked back then and it was fine. It was always pleasurable to me so I don’t think that was a problem. I can’t compare to the porn stars but I’m not that bad! What should I be looking into?

The only place he could have a relationship would be at work so I’m not sure a PI could even help there. I am getting the finances in order just in case I leave. Does anybody have a spouse who just doesn’t have sex. He never seemed like he didn’t like it! What am I overlooking? I am nearing the end of my rope here!


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