DON’T ASK FOR DIVORCE.When you look across the dining table every morning to see the same rumpled face, and you crawl into bed each night right next to the same snoring body, it becomes easy to slip into a sort of amicable relationship that’s a million miles away from the heated passion from when you and your spouse just met. This can further devolve into frustrated angst, random fights or even pure discomfort at the sight of your partner.

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When things become so unbearable, deciding whether you and your spouse should get a divorce isn’t always an easy question to answer. Instead of making a quick decision – often fueled by negative emotions – there are many factors to consider and many questions to ask first. Of course, if you are in an abusive relationship, whether financial, physical or emotional, you best get out of there fast!

First of all, take the time to understand what it is about the marriage that makes you want to give up. What is the motivation behind your decision?

Whether you have gotten too tired to keep trying to make things work or you are feeling hopeless and unhappy, exploring your reasons helps you better in your decision. Because the more the decision is based on you wanting something different or something more and the less it is based on what your partner should or shouldn’t do, the better it is to determine what direction to take.

However, when your marriage is truly in trouble and before you even decide to ask for divorce, ask these 20 questions instead.

  1. How do you truly feel about your marriage? – Maybe you are the one feeling that it is too late to salvage your marriage whereas your partner may feel like the relationship is salvageable. Think deep about how you truly feel and you may find that there is still something left to work with. It is important to know where you stand with regards to making things work.
  2. What bothers you the most about me? – In a marriage, there will always be something about your spouse that will get on your nerves. Not that these things usually lead to considering divorce but when they evolve to bigger things like a lack of honor and trust, that destroys the intimacy in the marriage. Therefore, finding out what bothers your spouse about you and vice versa helps you both to find out the things you can change about yourselves. And ensure you really work on those issues, no making empty promises.
  3. What kind of love are you feeling right now? – It isn’t difficult to fall in or out of romantic love but love in a real marriage runs much deeper. Asking this question means finding out whether your partner still has lasting and deep feelings for you. In which case it is definitely worth it to continue working on the marriage. Trouble starts when either of you stops caring completely.
  4. Do you trust me? – Trust is one of the most essential pillars in any marriage, so if your partner has trouble trusting you, it becomes extremely difficult to connect with them on any level. However, no matter how distrustful your relationship is, it is never too late to rebuild that trust if both you and your spouse are willing to work at it.
  5. How can I gain back your trust? – One important aspect of rebuilding trust is forgiveness. Understand whether your spouse has developed a negative way of thinking about you as a result of something you had done, then learn to share the feelings, needs, and reasons that drove you to what you did. Ask for forgiveness with sincerity and explain why it would not happen again. Don’t forget to also give your partner a chance to also tell you what you need to do to rebuild that trust. The same applies if it’s your spouse that needs to be forgiven, give them a chance.
  6. Do you feel you can communicate with me? – Communication is one of the most important aspects of a marriage and when it is lacking, many couples tend to drift apart. If you can’t comfortably talk to one another, you won’t be able to work through your problems. Find new ways to communicate better with each other without getting angry or being judgmental.
  7. Do you feel accepted? – Find out if your partner feels accepted and loved by you instead of feeling alienated from you. Support is important in marriage but gaining acceptance from those you love is even more so. If your partner feels unappreciated, you need to find ways to show your appreciation for your marriage.
  8. Are there past conflicts we are yet to resolve? – If there are unresolved conflicts from the past plaguing your marriage, it will be hard to forward because not only will that past keep popping up in future arguments, it will be really hard to get close to your spouse if you are still pissed about something they did in the past or vice versa. Discover any unresolved problems and work on them with your partner.
  9. Why do you think our marriage has changed?
  10. Have I changed?
  11. What qualities do I have that made you think I was special in the first place?
  12. Do you think you have changed?
  13. What sacrifices do you believe I have made for this marriage?
  14. What plans did you have for our marriage?
  15. Are there some things preventing those plans from coming to fruition?
  16. Do I play a role in the problem?
  17. Do you still want to be in this marriage, why or why not?
  18. Are you willing to work through this marriage with me?
  19. Have we tried everything to save our marriage?
  20. Divorce isn’t our only option, what else can we do together to get us back to our happy place?

Asking these questions is the first step to getting your marriage back on track and overcoming your troubles.

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