I am paying for the sins of other men

My wife and I have been married for about four years now and we have a two-year-old boy. I got an opportunity for work abroad and we moved together with my family. It’s now been a year of living together in a new country. My marriage is in a rocky place right now and I need wisdom to handle it before I go crazy.

My wife was a virgin when we got married and I was honestly grateful for it but I’m not sure I still am. She is rarely in the mood for sex and still hasn’t figured her way around lovemaking. Our sex life is really frustrating for me! This isn’t the biggest problem but is tied to the other problem to some extent. She also came into marriage with some very high expectations on roles and household chores.

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I’ve been extraordinary in this department. Even her own friends would be surprised to find me in the kitchen when they visited after we had our baby back home. I took a whole month off work to take care of them single-handedly since we had no househelp. I have gone above and beyond to break the stereotype of gender roles in our marriage and even my White neighbors here get surprised that I’m doing these things as an African man. I remember an instance where a lady from our home country that we’d met here told my wife not to let me do house chores. My wife later that night told me not to listen to such people. I agreed because doing chores honestly doesn’t bother me.

What bothers me is my wife’s lack of appreciation for all I do. She seems to forget everything I do and tells me not to keep a record of the things I do! She however brings up what she does plus what I don’t do and just like that, all my efforts evaporate! She often says I don’t give her emotional support in relation to the roles mentioned and for that she denies me sex. So she keeps asking for more from me and then still denies me sex!

Even though I’m quite responsible and involved, she compares me to her friends’ husbands who barely do anything around the house. She says she fights and speaks up for neglected women but she’s taking it out on me yet I’m nothing like those men. She sounds like a toxic feminist whenever she speaks of these things and I honestly don’t recognize who she’s become. That we live in the Western world isn’t making it any better because it seems to give her more strength to talk like this and maintain her stance.

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I’m currently back in school and I’m also working. Mornings are for school and I head to work after that, sometimes working until 2am. Home is a bit of a distance away and I sometimes have to cycle home or sleep in the cold at the train station. The temperatures are very harsh here so it’s always terrible! My wife doesn’t see any of this.

I’ve tried talking to her about it but we often end up having bad arguments and I hate it. I’m not expected to defend myself or speak up during those arguments so I just shut up. It’s so frustrating and draining honestly. I lost my father recently but couldn’t travel to bury him. Add onto all this all the racism I encounter almost daily and I feel like a stressed-out zombie. My marriage is on the rocks and I’m falling apart. Help me please!

A mom, a lover of family, a thinker, and friend of Christ. Writing brings it all together!

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