I am deeply ashamed to write to bring my marital issue to you because I am a preacher but right now, I may not have any other choice than to ask for advice and help anonymously before I loose the most important person in my life: my wife. Things have gone so bad that she has moved out of my house and I have been begging her to return but she says she will not.
The shame that I after counselling other marriages will have a broken marriage is too much for me to bear. I need your help. I could have gone to my spiritual leaders but I am too ashamed to tell them what happened. So, this is me, asking for your help and prayers.- Advertisement –
I have been married for 9 years now. God blessed me with a good woman that has supported me and my vision for years. We have four children and I am a blessed man for sure. The issue started when after our third child, I told my wife that we have to stop having children cos we have to manage to care for the ones God has given us.
My wife said she wants 2 boys and 2 girls. We had 2 boys and 1 girl. I told her no. But this this woman agreed and later, got pregnant with the fourth child which turned out to be a boy . I was so angry cos we agreed. She lied to me that she was on contraceptive. I wont lie, we are not poor but having 3 children was not easy. And now, with 4th…things became very tough.
To make things worse, I started to have challenges at work and lost my job. I tried to find another job but eventually took a job with lower pay than the former. And this job was taking all my time cos its a one man business kind of job. So, my home and ministry suffered because I was always at work even on weekends.
My wife felt neglected and tried to talk to me about it but I told her, it was her fault for having plenty children and now, I cannot be there to support as I should. We quarreled alot. I didn’t like that but to avoid the quarrels, I stayed away from home more and more. My wife complained of me neglecting her s*xual needs but for some reason, I just lost interest in s8x. Maybe I was tired of having babies and responsibilities ,so I blanked away from the idea of s8x.
My wife became hysterical, saying I was cheating on her. That if I am not sleeping with her, then I was sleeping with someone else. To be frank, I actually made a mistake once but I did not sleep with the person. In my spending more time at work, I almost slept with a colleague but God gave me strength to stop before we went too far. But that was not the reason I did not want to sleep with my wife.- Advertisement –
I just really got frustrated with work, finances, and the constant quarreling. I was avoiding trouble at home cos it became very uncomfortable for me to come home and not hear one complain or nagging or shouting.
After a couple of months, I noticed my wife changed. She stopped talking to me or calling me. She would send the children to call my phone instead of talking to me. I realized that she was keeping malice with me and my ego did not allow me make an effort to make things work. Yes, I tried a little but soon as I touched her, to try to make love to her, she would fling my hand away and scream at me.- Advertisement –
That was when I decided to leave her alone. We lived like that for months. Until, one day, I closed from work early because I was not feeling fine. I took sick leave and got home early. I called my wife on the phone but she did not pick up. I got home and decided to surprise her,so I did not knock, I used my key and went inside.
What I saw was just unbelievable. My wife was stark naked on the sitting room floor and was using something on herself and was having a video call with a man. It took me like 5 seconds to really fully grasp what was going on. From the look of it, she was having video s8x with a man on the phone. She didn’t even notice me for almost 4 mins cos he eyes were shut in deep pleasure. And she and the man were really moaning.
I could not take it anymore. I shouted her name and she jolted out of her trance. She cut the call but I had seen enough. I was mad and kept asking her to explain what she was doing. What shocked me was that ,she was not even remorseful. She said, I led her to do this and I cannot blame her. So, my wife was cheating with a man, getting her satisfaction from another person. No wonder she was pushing my advances off her.
My wife said I should count myself lucky that its only video she does but I told her to keep her lies to herself cos cheating is cheating and if she can do this on video, no way she has not done it with the man or any other man behind my back. I asked who the man is, she said, someone she met online. What kind of thing is this? What if the bastard decides to show her video online to blackmail her?
Things even got worse because as I was questioning her, my wife insists that she is not cheating, that video s8x is not cheating, after all, there is no physical penetration and so she will not apologize because she did nothing wrong. I asked her what if I do the same and she says she knows that I am already cheating cos we have not been having s8x for over a year.
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I was so angry that I told her to pack her things and leave my house. She told me I am a bastard and infidel that cannot provide for his family and have s8x with his wife. I also said some pretty hurtful words. I don’t know how a once loving marriage turned out to be this horrible. Those words my wife said really got to me and I beat her up. That is the first time I would ever raise my hand on my wife and I regret it till today but what was done cannot be reversed. My wife packed her things and left even though I begged her to forgive me.
Right now, I have been begging and begging and calling but she said its over. I don’t want it to be over. I know I was wrong to beat her. I know I was not doing my best as a husband but she caused everything, she is responsible for our troubles…having four children with a salary of 120k and she does not work is just crazy. Our house rent is due, our children school fees is due. We can barely afford to eat well or cloth well.
So I admit that things are rough but she caused it and I will never beat my wife but that image of her f8cking herself with another man watching her keeps coming to my mind and I want to kill that man or even strangle someone. She cheated and she is not remorseful. Yet, I am begging her. What else should I do?
The shame is too much. Is this the end of my marriage? Clearly my wife is angry about me beating her but it appears she also wants to continue with that man or whoever she is messing with…otherwise, why will she not forgive me? Beating her is my lowest moment but if I can forgive her for cheating, why cant she forgive me for beating her? She wants me to go and report to our spiritual leaders before se can consider coming back but I am too ashamed. I will be disgraced and suspended.
So many people who know me will be so disappointed, I know she wants to disgrace me, to let people know that I am not as good as I portray cos I am a preacher but why can’t I fix my own marriage? Please advise me. Its been a month since she moved out. I am desperate cos people are already asking questions. I told them she travelled but its a lie …I need help.