I haven’t seen or spoken to my biological dad in 20 years should I write him a letter to get to know him?

Bayo Ajibola

I (f26) haven’t seen or spoken to my bio dad since I was 3 years old, and I’ve been thinking about sending him a letter to try and get to know him for a long while now.

Some background info – Him and my mum divorced because he had anger issues and was abusive to me and my older sister. So obviously because of this my mum got full custody and he was not allowed to see us until we were over 16. He did send letters to my older sister for a while but these soon stopped, and he has not contacted either of us since then.

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I have no memories of him or of the things he did but I have been told about it. Some of the stuff I was told was awful and my mum and sister want nothing to do with him, which I totally understand since they still remember it all. I’ve never based my opinion of someone just on what other people have told me, I have to see it for myself to form one. So I can’t really hate him in the same way they do, which I guess is why I’m still curious to get to know him.

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The reason I’m hesitant though is obviously it’s been a long time since this all happened, and I hope he has managed to work through his issues and is in a better place mentally now. So I don’t want to bring back all this back up and affect the life he has now, I don’t know if he remarried but I do know he’s been seeing for someone for quite a while now so I don’t want to wreck that either if she doesn’t know.

I don’t want an apology from him or to even talk about the past. I’m just interested in getting to know him as a person since we’ll genetically I’m 50% him.

So I’d really appreciate if you guys had any advice or opinions if I should write to him or not.

Bayo Ajibola

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