I resent my wife and my marriage

Bayo Ajibola

I’ve been married for 8 years. I have no idea why I got married. I don’t really like it much, even though I pretend to. I understand how people say they’re head over heels in love with their partners, but I really can’t say that about my wife. She’s nice, very beautiful, and a wonderful mother to our kids, but I’ve really got nothing going on for her.

I resent that she works all the time. We are a two earner household, and I try to be supportive considering her job is very stressful and time-consuming, but when the kids are in bed it’s all about work. Doing work, catching up on work, talking at me (not to me) about work, talking to her friends about work (they all have the same profession). We haven’t done anything together as a couple in months. We havent had a meaningful conversation about anything other than her job in weeks. I’ve tried to let her know that these things bother me but she always shoots back a variation of, “What am I supposed to do? I have to get this all done.” Most evenings I just do things on my own and seethe with resentment while she taps away at her laptop. I tried scheduling a night out last weekend and she forgot about it. She had work to do.

I resent that we have incompatible sex drives. This is probably related to her job. She’s constantly tired, or has headaches, or is sick, because she’s either stressed out or staying up late working, so sex really never happens. We go months at a time without having sex. I stopped trying last month and she hasn’t noticed.

I resent her coldness. This ties in to the sex point above. I generally assumed people liked spontaneous hugs or kisses, but my wife treats these little breaks like obligations, or maybe inconveniences. If she’s cooking and I hug her, she’ll stop what she’s doing but not actually respond. Or if she and I pass in a hallway and I stop her for a kiss, she will give a quick peck and edge past me.

I resent that she is happy with nearly nothing. If she’s busy she’s stressed. If she’s got downtime she’s bored. She nitpicks both herself and others. She’s a total pessimist.

I resent her family. They’re uneducated, judgmental, and many of them are hateful people. She defends them, but I hate that they’re even near my kids.

I’ve had eight years to consider the fact that my personality type is pretty much the exact opposite of hers. I am energetic, outgoing, optimistic, affectionate, and generally happy with pretty much everything and everybody. She is sluggish, quiet, pessimistic, cold, and rarely enthusiastic about anything. This has really come out in the last few years; she was not like this to this degree when we were first married.

Getting along with somebody like that is not an issue for me, but having this person as a partner is beginning to feel like a complete waste of my relative youth. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I should be in a vibrant, fulfilling relationship with somebody who can share life with me. I don’t need a thrill seeker or world traveller. Just somebody to talk to and share things and experiences with. I’ve felt so isolated for a long time and I’m genuinely frightened that I’m throwing my younger years away with this person who is certainly not a bad person, or malicious, but is just…flat. If it weren’t for the kids I would probably consider a divorce; as it stands (and I’m not proud of this), I’d probably be more fulfilled having an affair or even just a Snapchat pic exchange with a woman. Anything to make a connection with somebody on an intimate level, digital or otherwise. That’s terrible but there it is.

As it is, I’m trapped, isolated, frustrated, and have no hope that things will get better in my marriage. Truly frightening.

Bayo Ajibola

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