I am amazed at my mind. The things that I think about while I’m hitting orgasm during sexual intercourse with my hubby are so weird. Like several times I do think about my ex husband- not in any way besides his sexual self, which was so sexual, uninhibited, animalistic, ravishing, horny. Sexual intercourse with my ex was empty of emotional connection, but packed with physical chemistry, passion, hotness.
Which explains why it makes sense that pictures of my sexual past with him come up when I’m seeking that thing to take me over the brink. Also, things such as cum shots of several men I’ve been with or maybe even seen in porn. Even some guy I stripped for who came as I stripped with my back turned at least 5 feet away.
I caught a glimpse of the cum shots out of the corner of my eye, but it’s still lodged in my mind many years later. Simply because he was hot for me. Something about horny men gets me going- most especially if they’re hot for me. It’s like I feel desirable or something- but perhaps not, maybe it’s just that I’m a visual person, I like dicks, and I like flipping through that Rolodex of images of pleasure.
What troubles me however, is that I can’t determine what my husband’s thing is. The very thing that takes him over the brink. I have a sinking suspicion that he’s just not very sexual, and that there isn’t a thing. Whenever I ask him of things that turns him on, he says it’s when he feels connected with me, when he feels like we get each other. Sure, I really like that as well, but it doesn’t make me want to ride him like a stallion.
It makes sex into making love, which I definitely want, but it doesn’t make me wet. What does that, what did it tonight, was it him getting on top of me and kissing my neck whilst I could feel his hard dick pressing against my thigh. I went from not necessarily in the mood to ready for it in about 10 seconds. The sex lasted maybe 15 minutes and it was one of the most explosive orgasms I’ve had with him. And it was so hot because I felt like he wanted me, like he was horny, like he needed that release, like he couldn’t contain himself.
Yet those words still feel like a bit of a stretch. We have sex possibly two times a month, and it usually feels as though he is willing himself to want it, vs. NEEDING it, and this is why I lie here in a state of anxiety afterward almost every time. My mind races. My husband is great In a lot of ways, however I do not want to spend the remainder of my sexual years feeling frustrated, like there’s a void in my life that only a horny dick can fill…