Please keep me anonymous. I’m really confused. My boyfriend wants us to have sex but I’m not ready. I have had a track record of exes that leave after they fuck me. When I was 17 years old, I joined the dating world. Many people advised that I should never allow any man to touch me unless we are married. I watched other ladies get used and dumped. I thought it won’t happen to me too. Hmm, let me tell you some of my past experiences.
I tried to be careful in my first relationship ever but he came too strong and made me believe It wasn’t just sex. I was a virgin at that time. After we did it, he noticed there was no blood. You know, everybody believes that blood comes out of the vagina when a lady has sex for the first time. He said I was lying to him. He said I wasn’t a virgin after all so why was I making it difficult for him to touch me. I felt so pained. I trusted him enough to let him deflower me and he had the guts to say such. We were together for some years before I left him. Even though I was no longer a virgin, I wanted to be someone who won’t ask for sex.
I met another guy who was so nice and made me feel loved. I thought he was “the one”. I stupidly fell for his lies thinking he truly loved me. I was heartbroken for weeks when I tried calling his phone and he refused to pick. He claimed to be busy. And this was somebody that had plenty of time for me before we had sex. I also found out that he was having sex with some other girls too. I felt so cheap and used. I cried my eyes out. Was it that difficult to find a truthful man? Although I was focused on my schooling and career, I just wanted a man to be there for me.
My next boyfriend acted like sex wasn’t important to him. It’s like he knew my fear so he decided not to speak about it. One thing was that he used to invite me over to his place to eat and chill. I will go thinking I was safe and nothing would happen. I went to visit him four times. He didn’t try to touch me. We only kissed and that was all. I was so happy that I finally found someone who understood me. Not knowing that he was trying to lure me in and make me lose my guard. At the end of the day, I went to pay him a visit as usual.
We started kissing and he began to touch me. I said I wasn’t ready but he sweet-talked me that sex would not change anything. He promised me that it was a one-time thing. He said he had not sexed for over a year and he needed the release. I pitied him and allowed him to penetrate me. Although he acted normal afterward, I was scared to pay him a visit again. However, he promised that I should trust him. Moreover, I should not be scared since we were both in love. To cut the long story short, we had sex many times. In the end, he kept demanding it. That’s what led to our break up. I wasn’t sure if I could cope anymore.
I’ve been dealing with scumbags as boyfriends. I do think men just ask you to be their girlfriend so you can feel obliged to have sex. The ‘girlfriend’ title is mainly a cheap way to secure their personal whore without marrying her. I’ve suffered in the hands of men. The next guy I dated made me believe he will support me financially when we are dating. I felt it was a good deal. At least if I allow him to have sex with me weekly, I could benefit from it. I needed someone to rely on for extra school expenses. I never knew it was talk and no action. He only gave me a small amount the first time we had sex.
I thought there was more money to come. But, he just kept calling me to come for sex and when I mentioned money, he would tell me to be patient. He said he was bidding for a contract. That I should just be good to him and have no worry whatsoever. Hmmm, that was how he got free sex and forgot about our initial agreement. I waited for weeks and kept allowing him to touch me. But no money came to me. I felt I couldn’t continue so I blocked his number. I didn’t want to continue again. I wondered why people are not to be trusted anymore. Why didn’t he keep the end of the bargain? Once again, I felt cheap, filthy, and used.
But, I picked myself up from the dirt and erased those memories. Things were still tight so I needed money from a helper. A married man came my way. He seemed willing to take care of me. I needed a zaddy because my family couldn’t really take care of my expenses and I was still in school. Please don’t judge me because the jobs out there don’t pay much. Well, the married man was good to me for two years. The sex was once in two months. I guess I was okay with it for some time. But I began to feel uneasy because I felt for his wife. I know I will be married someday and I don’t want karma to catch up with me. So I told him to let us stop seeing each other. I’ve been pretty much single since then.
Right now, I have a good job that pays me well and I met my current boyfriend about two months ago. And just like old times, he is asking for sex. I don’t want to be used and dumped again. Last week, he gave me an ultimatum of two weeks to have sex or we part ways. I don’t want to lose him but I believe sex will make him pull away. Why are men not considerate? If he will stay, I might give in. But I’m not sure of what to think anymore.