My conscience is killing me. I am consumed by really serious guilt. And I simply cannot help myself!

Bayo Ajibola

My name is Ronke . I’m a 43 years old lady. I’ve been married to Olu for nearly 16 years.

Our 4 children are between the ages of 15 and 10.

Lately,I decided tojoin a gym. I needed to look great again. Our marital life hasn’t been the same for a while now. Olu has distanced himself from me primarily because I had put on some weight. I am also conscious of the fact Olu has not been faithful. I was troubled initially however I eventually got over it. We used to fight and argue about his infidelities however it was obvious that my hubby was somehow not interested in me anymore.

We lived like this for the last 3 years. I have never been so lonely and neglected in my marriage. I took my friends and families advice and I concentrated on raising my kids and making myself very happy.

Some time ago, I made a decision to join at a local gym and try to lose weight. In the past,I had tried to work on losing weight but I usually give up in-between. However this time,I became so determined to stick to the exercise routines to get results. At this point,I convinced myself that I wasn’t carrying this out for anybody but myself. I was getting old and I had to keep fit.

I found a very posh gym not very far from our estate and registered. I stuck to my workout routines for some time however I wasn’t making much progress even after nearly 2 months. I was close to quitting yet again but one of the friends I made at the gym asked me to talk to one of the gym instructors to find out if they are able to work closely with me as my personal trainer. I was able to talk to Kay,one of the good instructors and he decided to work extra hard with me to accomplish my ambitions of losing weight.

Kay was really good and very professional with me. He worked very hard along with me and my confidence in shedding pounds was restored.

One day,as I trained with Kay,I got so overcome by emotions and started crying. I was overwhelmed by the outcomes I was seeing in my weight loss,I was overwhelmed that I had lost my husband’s love ,I was feeling so over emotional. Kay established I wanted comfort and at that point he watched me cry a bit before holding me. He embraced me for some time. I was so comforted in his embrace. It had been quite a while that any one or any guy held me so tight . I have missed the manly hands of my hubby. Kay was very kind on that day.

After I got home,I decided to approach my hubby that night. (We’ve been sleeping in separate bedrooms for nearly 2 years now). That night I went to his room. I got in bed with him and attempted to make moves. Olu got up and said what was wrong with me. I told him I wanted him that night and he said I should get out of his bedroom. I pleaded with him and he got furious and forced me out. I cried through the night until I eventually slept off.

From then on,I was so frustrated and made a decision to quite my work outs. The following day,because I didn’t turn up for my gym session,Kay kept phoning until finally I couldn’t ignore his calls any longer. I told him that I was done. Kay spoke to me and asked me never to throw in the towel. He spoke very nice words to me. He assured me that I was gorgeous and any man should be lucky to have me. Kay managed to persuade me to return to the gym. Kay and I became really good buddies after that. I loved how much attention Kay showed me. I loved how he held me during our exercise sessions. I loved how he used to reassure me. One day,during our exercise session.I kissed Kay. Then,I had started to feel strong romatic feelings for Kay. I was a little nervous when I kissed him but he smiled and said: ”Not here”.

I was slightly confused. Kay told me to meet him in his changing room at the gym. I went into his changing room and at that time,I wasn’t thinking any longer. I let myself go and I started kissing Kay. Kay loved me like I cannot remember anybody can love a woman. That was the start of my relationship with Kay. I was just like a teenager who was falling in love the very first time. I looked forward to our meetings in Kay’s office. When it seemed that people were noticing us,we started meeting in hotels.

This relationship with Kay has been on for nearly 3 months. I am a very happy and satisfied lady who isadored by a very caring young man.

However,I feel a great deal of guilt each time I think of the fact that I am a married woman. Kay has stated that I deserve to be happy the way in which my hubby has found joy and happiness with other women. But occasionally I’m wondering how my children will feel if they discover i am in a relationship. I wonder how my hubby will react if he finds out…I wonder what my family and people will say….

But I am certainly happy….is it wrong to want to feel happy,cherished and wanted? Please advice me. I seriously would not want anybody bashing me. I understand I might be completely wrong but my hubby pushed me to this stage. He doesn’t even seem to notice anything……oh my God,what do I do?

Bayo Ajibola

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