I need your help and advice. The truth is,I am at the point where I feel so sensitive and vulnerable and I may very well be making a choice that I might regret. I truly want to follow my heart however I need somebody else to assist me to look at this matter as objectively as possible.
I have been engaged for roughly one year now,I went out with my boyfriend for a year prior to our engagement. My boyfriend is 4 years older than me. However this isn’t his first marriage. He got married while very young but he separated from the the lady after she was caught being unfaithful like few months after their marriage.
His first marriage made him extremely reserved and not able to rely on women for for a while. I really like him a lot. He is cool,funny although I also feel he is way too reserved to the extent that he doesn’t show affection the way I would’ve wanted. We’ve discussed this a couple of times and he kept saying he is guarding his heart,that he was way too trusting in his first marriage so when it crashed he was more than devastated.
He however said he is working on it and promised to keep changing.My issue now is that,there is somebody else that has been showing a lot of interest in me for a while now. A church member,this guy is precisely what I want in a man. I don’t want a man who will provide me money. I have got my own money. I simply want a man that will spoil me with affection,someone very romantic..and this guy match that description.
I’ve been pushing off his advances because of course,I am engaged. Although I feel like I am deceiving myself given that the man I am engaged to doesn’t really care as much. I mean this man can gist and make me laugh. He sends me very romantic texts which I love a lot but I pretend not to like…he asks me about my day,my dreams,my passion. He is a good listener. I strive not to hang out with him because my heart skips a beat anytime he is around me. The way he looks at me,I really feel like melting.
To the best of my capability,I’ve push off this guy for nearly nine months. Finally,he gave up. Currently,he is with another lady still in my church and I am dying of jealousy. I am feeling so nervous and worried that he might end up marrying that lady. I can’t deceive myself ,how this is affecting me ,I can’t control it. I dream of being with him.
Last valentine,all I was doing was daydreaming of being with him despite the fact that I was with my fiance. I walked up to meet him after church service and told him to walk me to my car. He was confused. I got to my car,without minding if anyone was looking,I kissed him. He stood there looking stunned. Before he could say anything, I drove off. Since Sunday,my phone has been blazing,he has been calling and texting and begging to talk to me.
Actually,I am afraid to talk to him because I will just give myself away. I have no confidence in myself. I know that if I pick his call or let him come near me,he would see how badly in love I am with him. I am sincerely confused. My fiance has done me no wrong …I feel bad if I have to call off my engagement. Particularly because he has forever been paranoid of dealing with another heartbreak.
Breaking with him can certainly make it seem like he was right to think that all women are scum. But does it matter,we are talking about my happiness after all. Or do you think I should be patient with him?Maybe he can grow to love me the way I really liked to be loved?What if he not that kind of person eventually?
Sticking with him however means,letting go of the chance of being with someone I know my heart truly wants. I am honestly confused. I also do not want the other guy to marry somebody else when I have deeply falling for him…what should I do please?