My husband died on Tuesday and I don’t know how to navigate. I’m alone in a foreign country.

Bayo Ajibola

It’s Saturday here. He died on Tuesday and I have been on autopilot since. Now I’m sitting here on our sofa penning this post. I am 32. I’m not Nigerian, I moved here a year ago after we got married. I was having a horrible day on Tuesday. When I came out of the bathroom he had left a note on the table next to a hot chocolate. It said: Enjoy, I’ll be right back, love you so much.

He didn’t come back. Eventually the police turned up at our door and told me he had been in a car accident. At the hospital they gave me his things. His wallet, the keys and my favourite chocolate. He went to the shop to buy my favourite chocolate since I was having a awful day.

I didn’t even get to say goodbye. He went out without having to say goodbye. I didn’t get to kiss him one last time or cuddle or smell him. I’ve been trying to recollect when we last kissed that day. I keep trying to remember but I don’t know. I know we had a little pash in the morning but I don’t think it was the last kiss. I don’t remember and there will never be another kiss.

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I haven’t even told my mum yet. We normally video call her two times a week. I just told her I am busy and can’t make it. I couldn’t tell her what happend. I feel like there’s really no strength in me to talk. Our flat is full of him. I took a used tissue out of the bin just to keep something of him. I loved him so very much. I left everything behind for him and we were very happy. He was my soulmate, we laughed so much and I just felt calm with him, at home. Now he’s gone. The first night I tried to sleep in bed but I can’t. I’ve been sleeping on the couch.

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The funeral will be on Monday. His parents planned it I just went along. They asked me if I wanted to say a few words and I said yes. But what am I going to say? The love of my life is gone. He went to the store because of me and he didn’t come back. No one knows why he went there I couldn’t tell them that it was because of me. He wanted to cheer me up and it killed him.

I don’t know how to move foreward. How do I survive the funeral and after? What do I do. I can’t even cry anymore cause there are no tears left inside of me. I am so sad and all I want is a hug from him to cheer me up but then it hits me. What do I do?

Bayo Ajibola

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