Please keep me anonymous. This issue I am about to share with you has been eating me up and regardless of how much I try to read meaningful into it or find a way out of the situation, I still don’t find one. I am a mother of three children. We have been married for sixteen years. Our first child is fifteen years old and the second one is thirteen years old. Before I got married, I was a bit big. Some people were even making side comments on why my husband was marrying me instead of someone slim and shapy but my husband loved me and did not even listen to what they were saying. He went ahead and married me regardless of how things were going. After I got married, I took note of my body and wasn’t eating so many things in order not to gain weight so much.
My weight was okay until after I took in and gave birth to my first child. I gained so much weight than I expected and that was because I had to eat well when I was pregnant so that my child could be healthy. Even when I gave birth, I still couldn’t go back to watching my weight because I was breastfeeding and needed to be healthy for my child. That notwithstanding, I was still doing some home chores and working out gradually instead of sitting in one place. I was able to keep my weight in check after my first child. I gave birth to my second child and I still had the same encounter. After my third child, it was as if I gained too much weight. My last child is currently 9 years and since then, I have been trying to conceive but to no avail.
Initially, I had two miscarriages and after Series of visits to the hospital, the doctor said that my weight was contributing to the situation. Since then, I have been trying everything possible for me to lose weight. I trek to work even though it is not very far from my house. I go to the gym every morning before going to work and I still work out at home in the evening. I check what I eat as well. I was on a keto diet before the doctor asked me to stop. My husband has not changed, he still loves me but he is worried about getting a child. We have been trying different means but all to no avail. My husband has suggested that we have a surrogate mother for our child.
I was shocked when he said it but looking at him, I saw how helpless he was. He said he knows how difficult it would be for us but it is only important that we have a son. I have been very uncomfortable since then. I have had deep thoughts about it. Pregnancy helps create some form of connection between a mother and child. I don’t even know how I will be able to cope even when the child is born. How will I raise the child? Will I be able to love the child like my other children? I have asked many questions about the surrogacy but I still don’t think it’s something I can consent to. I have one son already so must my husband force me to consent to this? Why can’t we just Love the kids we have? Some people don’t even have kids at all but we do. What should I do in this condition?