My marriage and future are being called into doubt by my husband’s brother.

My hubby (37M) and I have been happily married for nearly 7 years. We’ve been together for 12 years, and if anyone is my soulmate, it’s him. He joined the military two years after we met and is now deployed eight months out of the year on average. I never minded, even though I missed him terribly; we’ve established our groove and make the most of our time together. I have a terrific social life and my career is also taking off, so I consider myself really fortunate.

My husband has always been open and honest with me about his family, particularly his crippled brother, who, in his words, “has the mind of a 4-year-old in the body of a 40-year-old.” He has also been in a wheelchair since a young age, wears diapers, cannot eat on his own, can barely speak, must be observed if he is not in bed, and generally requires a lot of attention (he will scream if left alone in a room).

My husband’s parents informed him that we would soon have to adopt his brother into our house due to an unanticipated health crisis. This was unexpected, and we hadn’t expected it for another fifteen years. My husband isn’t ready to give up his army position, but he also doesn’t want his brother to enter a specialised facility. We cannot afford a carer at home to care for his brother while I am at work or to aid me when I am at home. I get along well with his brother, and I never had any reservations about having him with us, but I never imagined I’d be doing it on my own, least alone at such an early age.

When I ask my husband what we should do, he just shrugs and says I’ll have to take after his brother while he’s abroad. We also wanted to have a child in the following few years, but he now thinks it’s impossible.

I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. I feel like a jerk for putting myself first and altering my mind after all this time, but I didn’t expect him to ask me to give up everything for his brother. I wouldn’t be able to work from home because his brother demands regular attention and my work is also really demanding. I make enough money to support myself if I decide to leave, but I’m not sure I could do the same for my husband. I’m in love with him as well, and I don’t want to lose him.

I feel like I’d be wasting my life if I stayed, but if I left, I’d ruin my husband’s life and lose my soulmate. What should i do please?