Please keep me anonymous. I will turn 24 this month and I really do not look forward to it. My life has not been great as nothing pleases me. I grew up to see that my parents do not love themselves. They are always quarreling even because of things that do not make any sense. They can quarrel for something as small as a footwear in the wrong location. When I say quarrel, I mean it’s a heated quarrel that leaves us shaken and in so much awe.
My mom is a primary school teacher and even though she doesn’t earn so much, she takes care of my family and I’m sure she loves us so much. My dad on the other hand is a bus driver. I feel most of the problem is from him because he gets angry unnecessarily. I guess it’s because of the nature of his job. He shouts at us for nothing. It is as if he transfers the aggression of his bad day to my mom, my siblings and I.
Sometimes he doesn’t come back home early. He stays till it’s late and there are times he will come back late and drunk. He would shout at my mom and say things that are not good to her. Growing up, I knew my mom as a very soft, kindhearted and emotional woman who wants the best for her husband and her kids. She spreads love wherever she is and brings joy to our neighbors even though we were struggling to survive.
However, I have grown up to see that that part of my mom no longer shows as before. My mom is no longer as soft as she was. It is as if she has developed a tough skin against all the things my father does to her. She no longer stands and watch him hit her or say demeaning things to her. I am happy she is standing up for herself and for us but I am not happy with the way my home has become a topic for discussion.
People now talk about the things going on in my family and when I pass, they make some remarks. My home is no longer conducive for me. My mental health is messed up because everytime, my parents are quarreling. It hurts me so much that I can’t have a proper family like everyone else. My friends in school have lovely parents and they boast about them. They share their pictures and can’t stop talking about how nice their parents are.
I can’t say the same about my parents because they only fight. They are rarely seen talking like normal couples. I am the first child and I have two other siblings. They are not as bright as kids of their age because of what goes on in my family. I was told my mom got pregnant for my dad and he was forced to marry her. I think that is why he doesn’t love me and my siblings. But I thought people outgrow these things.
It’s been almost 24 years and he still doesn’t treat us like his children. Why do we have to suffer for their decisions? Why do we have to live like outcasts in our own home? I can’t even express myself very well in public because I feel low about myself. I have never had a good discussion with my father. My mom is sweet and wants to provide all the love and affection possible but something is still missing.
We do not have that fatherly love and care and it affects us. We also do not have a healthy home. It is always from one quarrel to another. I feel so bad. I want to be happy and have a happy life and family like everyone else. How can I do this? How can I bring lasting peace and love in my home? I want to feel alive.