My wife of 5 years has a phobia of sex and it makes me worried about our future

Bayo Ajibola

My wife and I have been together for 5 years and were friends for just over a year before. When we started dating we fell for each other very hard and fast. At the start we had loads of sex as most new couples in their early 20s do and I have known about her phobia throughout our entire relationship.

At the start we would be having sex all the time but sometimes she would have anxiety attacks and need to stop which I always did and did my best to assure her that we can always stop if she ever wants to.

Later as the initial excitement of a new relationship died down we had less sex which is normal. What started to happen later was if she had an attack we would go through a period of a few weeks not having any sex. These periods got longer so it became periods of a week or 2 we could have sex followed by months of not. Over the last 12 months we have got to the point where we have sex once every few months.

The problem I have is I don’t know how to even tackle this. She acknowledges she has a problem and does try and reassure me she wants to have sex. Her cycle she has is she gets turned on, gets anxious about actually having sex, gets upset and then apologizes to me for us not having sex. I always try and comfort her saying it’s ok and that I don’t want her to force herself if she isn’t comfortable but then we just move on. We aren’t doing anything to address the issue and when I bring it up I feel like I am shaming her for not having sex with me.

Right now it’s not the end of the world but I am worried about this only getting worse as we get older. I read about couples not having sex for years and being so bitter about it. How do I approach this with her and does anyone have any experience of this?

Any help is welcome.


Bayo Ajibola

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