To the average person – whether married or not – a sexless marriage refers to the type of marriage where the couple has little or no sexual activity.
But what exactly is considered minimal sex? A relationship and sex therapist, Dr. Rachel Becker-Warner defines minimal sex as “any partnership where sexual intimacy occurs 10 times or less within one year period.” Shocker!
Of course, sexless marriage doesn’t always have to do with how frequent couples have sex in a year, one could say that it also includes the quality of the sex rather than quantity, the intimacy rather than the activity. There are many reasons why couples end up in a sexless marriage, no doubt lack of communication being one of them, but say, for example, a long-distance couple who live apart as a result of their work, would you say they are in a sexless marriage because they don’t have sex frequently? Of course not.
As Dr. Becker further explained “a sexless partnership is better defined as conscious or unconscious avoidance of pleasure-based physical contact between partners” it isn’t solely on the minimal number of sex had but the conscious and unconscious intention to avoid physical intimacy with your partner.
So, if you’re just having less sex than you think you “should be” and are fine with it, there’s nothing to be worried about. But if the frequency of sex is a concern in your relationship or partnership, don’t panic. There are solutions.
Before we get to the solutions for a sexless marriage, let’s have a look at the reasons.
For couples with children, especially young children, the demands of childbearing and child-rearing can lead to stress and exhaustion, especially in women. They are usually advised by their doctor to forgo sex for at least six to eight weeks after giving birth. Also, the added stress of caring for an infant, body changes, tiredness, and hormonal factors can affect a woman’s libido after having a child.
For some couples, it’s work. You are so invested in your career that you start to neglect your partner and their sexual needs or the overall need for intimacy in your marriage. Sometimes it’s your different work schedules and you realize there’s no right time for both of you to rekindle your romance and intimacy
An Extramarital Affair/Adultery
Cheating on your partner takes away from the marriage, especially sexual intimacy. Since you already get sex from outside your home, you get too lazy to spice things up with your partner. If your partner is cheating on you, they won’t even have time or be bothered to make an effort for a sexual relationship with you.
Communication and Relationship Issues
When you are in conflict with your partner, it can be difficult to maintain intimacy. You might not feel like talking to your partner, let alone engaging in sexual activity.
Other reasons also include Pornography addiction, Depression, Insecurity i.e. body image issues, etc., low sex drive, erectile dysfunction, and Asexuality.
21 questions to incredible sex with your Spouse
Here’s the part you’ve been waiting for, questions that can help you improve your sex life with your partner. This segment is divided into two parts; Questions about your sexual needs and Questions about your partner’s sexual needs. Before you start looking for any solution to a sexless marriage, you have to first identify the reason for this problem in your marriage. After identifying the problem and the reasons, it’s time to identify your sexual needs because only through understanding your sexual needs can you work on it.
Now, what are your sexual needs and the questions to help you identify them?
1. What are your overall beliefs about intimacy?
2. What do you enjoy most about being intimate with your partner?
3. What do you love most about your body?
4. What do you like the least about your body and how does it affect you in the bedroom?
5. What insecurities might you have about being intimate with your partner?
6. What are the reasons you may not want to be intimate with your spouse?
7. What turns you on?
8. What turns you off?
The answers to these questions will give you the insight needed on your own personal desires. You can’t share your needs with your spouse if you aren’t sure of what they are.
Now that you’re done identifying your needs and how to help your partner understand them better, do you know your partner’s needs? First check how many you are able to answer honestly by yourself before you compare with what your spouse tells you.
Ask your partner the following and be open to what you hear.
9. What are their thoughts on intimacy in your marriage?
10. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the absolute best, how would they rate your intimacy?
11. If the answer isn’t a 10, what can you both do to get to a 10?
12. What is one thing you do that they enjoy most during intimacy?
13. What aspects can be improved with your intimacy?
14. What makes them excited about being intimate with you?
15. What affects their mood when it’s time for sex?
16. What would they like to happen less in the bedroom?
17. What turns them on?
18. What turns them off?
19. Where is their favorite place to make love?
20. Is your lovemaking happening as frequently as they’d like?
21. What do they want more of in the bedroom?
A sexless marriage can be easily avoided or resolved through communication. Conversations surrounding intimacy always make it much better. Don’t be afraid to share what you need in the bedroom, be prepared to listen to your partner’s needs and don’t be afraid to deliver. Even while you’re having sex, always ask when you are unsure, say what is on your mind, no matter how embarrassing it might seem. And be sure to be intuitive to your partner’s needs.