Bayo Ajibola

“My husband won’t just go for marriage counseling, I’m desperately unhappy what shall I do?”  “My wife doesn’t talk to anyone, she says we are far way beyond help, it’s too late. Shall I give up?” These and more are statements I hear over and over again, and to be honest I don’t blame a wife or husband if they have no faith in traditional relationship counseling. Statistics, however, reported that over 75% of people who contacted marriage counselors are worse off or divorced after! It is such a shocking statistic.

This is because the typical marriage counseling model of highlighting the same problems, sharing where their wife/husband has hurt, betrayed or angered them does nothing but ignite more fear, aggression, hostility, and hopelessness. Instead of this boring approach, what many married couples need in this trial period is a plan of action, steps to move forward instead of dwelling on the past. Let’s assume your marriage is falling apart, distance and tension are increasing and your husband/wife doesn’t want to get any help or listen to anyone or anything. What do you do? Well, the fact is, you have 3 choices if it happens you find yourself in a struggling marriage.

  1. Get a divorce which will inevitably be stressful, painful, not to mention expensive for you and your partner.
  2. Tough out the marriage without doing anything to improve it.
  3. Maturely face the fact that things are not just working. You are miserable and that its high time you start saving your marriage on your own.

If this is the situation you find yourself, let me tell you that you can save your marriage on your own. I see men and women turn things around single-handedly all the time. No, it doesn’t take two to tango… this is a myth. In most forms of dancing Salsa, Tango, Ballroom, Bachata, one person (most times, the man) leads the other.

Saving your marriage works, in the same way, the only thing it takes is one person to lead, take action and decide they really want to be happier. The fact is, you make up 50% of the marriage and with the right intention and attitude, you can have an 80% to 90% influence.

So what should you do if your partner refuses marriage counseling?


Don’t pressurize or force them to join relationship counseling, they will reject it and may even go as far as doing anything to be right and prove it doesn’t just work. This will certainly be a total waste of time and even money. Instead, accept it and ask them if they won’t mind having you start working on your side of the relationship with an expert or program.

Those that start working on their marriage often discover that their spouse who was initially not interested start showing interest. It’s difficult not to be curious anytime they notice a shift in their wife’s or husband’s behavior. You need to remember that people hardly make lasting changes because we want them to. You can try and make them, to bring about lifelong change in your wife or husband you need to motivate them, inspire them, go first. Nothing feels worse than wanting change for yourself and life but believing that it isn’t possible because your happiness and what could bring about change depends on someone else. Spouses do one of this two -go straight to divorce or try to make a difference themselves.


Waiting for things to get better or to change will not work as a way to saving your marriage. Most people often discover that their relationship gets worse when left unattended. Never short change yourself. Your relationship, trust, love, respect can be built… so start building it today. Don’t procrastinate on something as important as your happiness and marriage.


Bayo Ajibola

Welcome to naijaparents.com. Whatever your  problem, marital, relationship, spiritual or parenting. We are here for you. No matter how difficult they are, together we can release power sufficient to solve these problems either spiritual or otherwise. Don't dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answers and solutions.  Digging at the roots instead of just hacking at the leaves is our way of solving your problems. On naijaprents we break the problem down into components and solve one problem at a time. Let's hear from you.Join the conversation on our Forum and , like us on our Facebook page .Google+

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