The Five Languages ​​of Love According to Gary Chapman

During the falling in love phase in a relationship, we are usually fascinated by the partner to the point that we only see merits in him. Communication takes place through affectionate gestures, sweet and consenting words, positive thoughts always directed in favor of the other.

However, when the so-called routine begins, within marriage or cohabitation, we suddenly notice the defects of the other, any shortcomings that are certainly normal, the result of habit, but which, upon awakening from the initial phase, seem anomalous to us. 

One may ask: What makes me feel loved? How can I prove it to my partner? Gary Chapman, relationship counselor argues that there are five ways, which he calls “languages”, to communicate our love, and among them there will surely be our favorite that can help us to meet and demonstrate our willingness to cultivate love infinitely. 

1. Words of affirmation

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Compliments to the partner

The words of affirmation are the verbal compliments. Phrases such as “How beautiful you are, how well you cook, you are an exceptional mother”, or “You are very intelligent, you are very good at your job, that shelf you have assembled is perfect” make your partner one feel loved.

Positive comments cheer up our routines, because they give us confidence and raise our self-esteem.

2. Quality time

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Quality time is time dedicated to a loved one. You can live side by side 24 hours a day, but if everyone is busy with their activities without dedicating a moment to their spouse, it’s like living alone.

Quality time is more than just being there. It means that all attention is paid to the other, an attitude that is summarized in: closeness, giving exclusive attention, sincerely listening to the needs of the other.

3. Receive gifts

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To love is to give. Often there is almost a need for visible signs of love. A gift is always appreciated by the loved one, the gift has always been considered the symbol of love par excellence, because it indicates that the person thinks of us, just as the lack of gifts can represent a lack of love.

In these cases, we must consider the gesture, and not the material thing, so rather than buying expensive gifts, you can even find a note with a personal love phrase for your spouse, which will be worth more than any millionaire jewel.

4. Acts of Service

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Another important and useful gesture in life as a couple can be doing a housework. Loading the washing machine or washing the dishes are acts that can demonstrate to the person next to us that they are not alone, that we are willing to help them because it is useful not to load only one person with housework. This, even if it may seem trivial, turns out to be an authentic gesture of love and devotion to one’s spouse.

5. Physical contact

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Affectionate gestures and sex. This is the language of choice for most people. One feels particularly loved through contact. Often, if this is missing, the relationship can even be broken.

Cliche aside, physical contact in a relationship involves much more than just sex. According to Chapman, it can be a gentle caress as you pass by your treasure; a prolonged hug, a kiss, holding hands in a public place and lots more. 

Sexual intercourse makes many spouses feel secure and loved in marriage. However this is only one of the many dialects of physical contact. It is important to find out how our partner wants to be loved and love them correctly.