‘This isn’t sex‘ – My Husband told me as I try to work my way through painful postpartum sex.

Bayo Ajibola

I had a baby 8 months ago. The birth was very traumatic and rough and I developed postpartum anxiety which I am receiving professional help for.

A combination of anxiety, fear about actually having sex after being torn and stitched up, and pain from trying to have sex has made our progress back into a normal sex life very slow. I feel awful about it and my partner has for the most part been understanding… he will sometimes make ‘jokes’ about our lack of sex life but I get it.

Anyway we have been trying to work on this but for me, and I have explained this multiple times, it is very painful and everything feels waaaaay too tight which is predominantly from fear I think… I have asked that we go EXTREMELY slow, as in I have full control and we just ease into penetration at my pace. My partner will be able to do this for about 5 mins tops and then will start thrusting. The back and forth motion really hurts and I will ask to stop which he always does but it will start up again.

I told him to please stay still as I’m trying to focus and relax and he sighs and says ‘this isn’t sex’ – and rolled over. This really upset me and I said he was being insensitive.

He started yelling at me that he has been nothing but sensitive and understanding for 8 months and hasn’t pressured me and I have no right to ‘tell him off’ and be ‘upset for no reason’ and accuse him of being insensitive.

I get that he’s been patient but should I really be grateful he hasn’t ‘pressured me into sex’? Am I a bad partner for not fixing this sex issue sooner? Do people just bounce back from childbirth and hop straight on the horse with no issues and there’s something wrong with me?

I’m making an appointment to see a pelvic floor physio to see if they can help as doctors say I’ve healed up fine but it just feels like trying to squash a penis through a tiny hole made of bone that won’t stretch. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know if I have the right to be upset at this comment but it really hurt 

Bayo Ajibola

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