What to do when your spouse has plans different from yours.

People think differently – which is great, but it can create discord in a relationship. Many couples choose to meet a psychologist to help resolve this issue, others try to resolve it themselves before seeking professional help.

Regardless of what you choose, check out the tips we have prepared for you, and evaluate which ones can be put into practice in your relationship.

Tips for couples who have different plans

One wants to have a wedding party, the other just prefers a simple wedding. One wishes to pursue a master’s degree abroad, the other prefers to pass a public tender. One wants to have children, the other does not. And now? How do you reconcile such different plans in a relationship?

If you think the only solution is to sever ties and look for someone more like you, know that there are other alternatives. According to psychologists, you do not need to give up the love that you have built because of the differences, not least because you will hardly find someone the same.

If they are infrequent, the key is knowing how to deal with differences. Remember that friction exists even in couples who have very similar tastes. So, relating only to who is exactly like you to avoid strife can be a mistake. Thus, if you want to have a good relationship with your partner even though your plans are different  here’s what to do. 

1. Don’t try to change each other 

The first and perhaps most important tip is not to try to change the other. Respect for differences must be mutual and talking about them. Explaining your reasons for disliking certain attitudes, is valid when you do not try to impose your opinion.

Know how to separate what is a difference that can be reconciled with something that hurts your values. Always keep in mind that you do not have to change the other person, but both should adapt as much as possible and settle your differences amicably. 

2. Get to know yourself

It is very important for couples to know each other so as to improve the relationship with themselves. Discuss and know each other’s values, ideologies, strengths, and weaknesses. Know better ways to approach them and how to say no when their propositions or decisions do not align with your beliefs. 

3. Resolve your internal conflicts

Many relationship problems occur because one of the parties carries trauma and conflicts from other relationships or family. Analyzing your emotional background to identify these traumas can help. 

If you are having a hard time from your previous relationship, it is advisable that you heal properly before getting into another relationship. 

4. Give up your individualities

In this case, both parties need to collaborate by giving up certain individual needs to achieve other things together. Analyze what is of utmost importance to you and what can be passed over to the other.

For instance, you have different religions. For one, religious marriage is important, while for the other, “whatever”. By doing this analysis, it is possible to conclude which religious ceremony to perform since an individual can give up his religion without hurting his values ​​in favor of the happiness of the other.

Remembering that these decisions must be made with conviction, so as not to generate future conflicts. That is why it is essential to develop empathy.

If one intends to have children and the other does not, it is necessary to assess whether one of the two could give up their individuality for the benefit of the other.

Of course, no one should cancel each other out, but the partner cannot be despised either. The happiness in a relationship exists to the extent that we do our part and encourage the other person to do theirs. 

5. Keep up the dialogue

Dialogue is very important in every relationship. A relationship without dialogue tends to be ruined. Often, out of pride or to avoid contradictions, the conversation is left out.

It is necessary to share feelings, doubts, and desires. Even if you have a great relationship devoid of conflicts, it is important to discuss certain things about the relationship from time to time. This enables both parties to do better.

6. Consult a Psychologist

If none of the tips work, it may be time to seek help from a psychologist. A psychologist will be able to help you assess whether the conflicting relationship should be pursued or if there is really nothing to do. 

Often, those who are in the midst of friction are unable to make a conscious assessment and need guidance, even to not regret it later, acting on impulse.

If you are unable to assess for yourself whether the relationship is likely to recover, seek help from a relationship psychologist to start a Couple Therapy.

Keep in mind that similarity is no guarantee of a perfect relationship. The secret lies in the ability to discuss differences and resolve them, to give a helping hand, and to understand that a relationship between two should benefit both.

Respect must always come first. Thus, it is easier to live with differences, learn to tolerate, have more patience, and evolve as a couple.

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